Skiing is supposed to be fun, right?? A lifestyle that makes sub-zero temperatures acceptable, encourages drinking unhealthy amounts of PBR, and fraternizing in hot tubs on a regular basis. But some people just don’t get it. Don’t let these 7 kinds of people ruin your weekend.
7. The “I’M THE BEST SKIER ON THE MOUNTAIN!” Guy
We all know this person. They have all the right gear, a brand new set of sticks, and the look that would make Dexter Rutecki come clean. On the ride up they cant stop talking about all the mountains they’ve skied, the sick lines they have supposedly shredded, and just how they dominate the sport in every possible way imaginable. Then you hit the access road and they start out with lines like, “hey, can we cruise some greens, I need to get my legs back under me” or “you know, I think I just want to stick to groomers today”. Finally you’re on the chairlift and they start FREAKING OUT… “OMG WE CANT SKI ANY BLACKS TODAY, AHHHH”. And they end up being the biggest Jerry you’ve ever met. Yea, those people suck. Suggestion: ask for video evidence of lines they’ve dropped or it never happened.
6. The “I need a lift ticket, and poles, and boots, and skis, and a helmet, and a lesson, and a pony…” Guy
…and blah blah blah. These are the helpless people you want to avoid at all costs. They will suck 3 hours out of your day right off the bat. They’re needy, they are hopeless, and you should have left them at the house. At least they could have pretended to make themselves useful and kept the fire going all day.
5. The “I promised to give my girlfriend a lesson first” Guy
Holy Jesus. This is why every mountain on the planet has ski instructors that work there. You don’t need to give your girlfriend a lesson. Stop being a cheap bastard and pay the extra $50 to have a professional do it for you. Not only do you get 2 hours of freedom but you’ll also avoid having her break her arm on your watch and never living it down. Ill give it 2 to 3 odds that you break up over this.
4. The “I think ski blades are cool” Guy
Nope. No they’re not. Can we light those on fire? Seriously though… why do you have a pair of ski blades??
3. The “I like to look like a complete @sshole on the mountain” Guy
These are can’t miss Jerrys. They all have the same profile: onsie from 1983, stupid looking ski sweater / tshirt / overalls, neon pink headband, zebra duck taped gloves, Jammy Pack (that is a fanny pack with speakers that will probably be blasting N*Snyc), flask filled with fireball, rental poles because they lost their other ones, and a shit eating grin on their face. Ok, who am I kidding… I just described myself. Sorry I’m not sorry.
2. The “I promise I can keep up with you on my snowboard” Guy
(sigh) I get it. You want to hang out with the cool kids. You want to ski the trees with us, rip a mogul run, and traverse to the other side to avoid the crowds. I get it. I want to swim in Sharknado infested waters but I know Ill probably effing die so I stay in the boat.
1. The “I drank too much the night before and now I’m going to ruin your powder day” Guy
I’m cringing as I’m writing this… you’ve got to be kidding me right?? I told you 10,000 FREAKING times last night. We’re leaving at 7AM. We’re not stopping for coffee, drink a Redbull. We’re not stopping so you can throw up, roll yourself out of the car. You don’t need hand warmers!!! No I don’t care about your need for a hospital because you’re having a panic attack. I REFUSE to wait for you and we’re going skiing. Stop crying. Big care not… NO FRIENDS ON POWDER DAYS!
As always… feel free to check out http://www.skitillidie.com for some authentic gear or take my shameless plug and tell me to go shove it.
One of the first blogs I wrote back in 2010 was 10 Reasons Why Skiing Is Better Than Snowboarding… honestly didn’t think much of it and for whatever reason that has been one of the most read and commented on posts I’ve written.
Which isn’t saying much.
Anyway, we’re here 4 years later (this time with a website!) and people are STILL commenting on it… not to mention that the world seems to be obsessed with lists lately… I decided to update it with 10 more reasons skiing rules!
10. Unofficial Networks has a list of reasons why snowboarding is better… they could only come up with 8. Math.
9. Instead of facing front you have to go down the hill sideways. The only animal I could think of that walks sideways is a crab. Crabs get dominated by other animals ALL the time.
8. Carrying your skis on one shoulder and your boots on the other just looks cooler than dragging your board across the parking lot.
7. If you’re going to crash, you might as well do it the right way. Yardsale with all your $hit flying all over the hill. Go big or go home.
6. Pond skimming is way too easy on a snowboard. Challenge yourself bro.
5. With all due respect to Art Of Flight… there’s no such thing as 80’s snowboard movies. Here is the trailer for Aspen extreme… “Top Gun On The Slopes”
4. More on the 80’s… it’s a privilege to rock a onsie, not a right.
3. Nails on a chalkboard, an ’89 Toyota Camry with shitty brakes, a snowboard scraping the mountain.
2. WTF is a shot-board? Exactly.
We’ve all been there… “Hey! Let’s go on a ski weekend with a bunch of cool people!”… and BOOM… you find yourself surrounded by 18 other people of the same sex, in a cabin for the weekend, playing endless rounds of flip cup. So why not try out some random dating app and search for some friendly opposite sex company?? Works. Every. Time.
If by works you mean finds you the creepiest person you can think of and by every time meaning you already had it downloaded on your phone in the first place. Then yea, 50% of the time it works every time.
So here is a list of the best and worst dating apps to use skiing. *Disclaimer* NO research was done on ANY of these sites prior to this article being published. Also, our website has nothing to do with online dating but you should check it out anyway!
5) eHarmony.com – Really?? REALLY?! Are you looking for love on a ski weekend?? Plus there is a 90% chance the weird guy from the commercials is going to pop out from behind a tree while you’re skiing glades and scare the absolute shit out of you.
4) JDate – Nothing wrong with Jewish people looking for other Jewish love. But really, you’re limiting yourself here… to probably about 11% of the whole mountain. Not to mention you’ll probably have to end up meeting that persons mom on Sunday before you drive home.
3) CraigsList – Ever been on the CraigsList personals?? Me either…
2) Chat Roulette – Not sure this even qualifies as a dating site but to describe it as an “experience” is an understatement. Plus, whatever naked person (98% of the time it will be a guy) you get matched with probably isn’t in your time zone let alone zip code.
1) Friend Finder – Can anything make you sound more desperate than Friend Finder?? I didnt think so. Maybe just “Im Desperately Looking To Find Friends, Lets Hang Out Now!”? Cant wait to meet your creepy self…
5) Farmers Only – This is probably the most brilliant website ever. And no, you don’t technically have to be a farmer to log on.
4) Match.com – Only putting this on here because they give you options for what you’re looking for ranging from “Casual Sex” to “Lets Get Married IMMEDIATELY”. But lets be realistic, you’re looking for the former.
3) Plenty Of Fish – Plenty of fish in the sea… plenty of guys on the mountain. Have fun girls, it’s a meat market out there.
2) OK Cupid – Better than POF in that a) you can search keywords like, “ski / skier / skiing” and b) this is what I used to turn my profile into an ad for the ski house and found all the single girls who ski within a 50 mile radius to fill it up with. BOOM.
1) Tinder – I mean c’mon… did you really expect anything else?! You can literally swipe until your thumbs hurt, you’re only talking to people who actually want to talk to you back, and Ke$ha wrote a song about it. Tinder is the gold standard for online dating on the mountain.
Choose wisely my friend… there are lots of different paths down the mountain, out of your ski gear, and into the hot tub. And you’re one swipe away from the apres of your life!
Everyone seems to be obsessed with lists lately. 13 reasons your boyfriend left you… 20 movie stars from the 80’s you wish you slept with before the 90’s… a list of the worst buzzfeed lists. Without even searching that I swear to God one exists.
So as summer is coming into the home stretch I started thinking about my own list. What makes winter so much better than summer… and (with the help of my intern Grace – (yes, you read that correctly – Ski Till I Die has an intern) here are the 27 reasons we came up with. Also, we finally have a website so you better go buy a shirt!
27. Summer only lasts for 3 months… ski season lasts for 6.
26. GNARNIA doesnt exist on the beach.
25. There is no such thing as “apres beach”.
24. Sand gets EVERYWHERE. And it sucks.
23. Goggle tans > Bathing suit tans
22. Seagulls dont ski. They fly south for the winter. That means during the entire summer they annoy the absolute $HIT out of you.
21. It’s impossible to be eaten by Jaws on the mountain. Unless you’ve seen Avalanche Sharks… in that case, you’re just F’d. Either way I would rather be eaten by wolves or bears.
20. You cant eat sand. Snow is delicious.
19. Snow men > Sand castles
18. You know that song ‘Summertime Sadness’…
17. Speaking of songs… all the girls you hear about in summer music, for whatever reason, always turn out to be huge whores. Notice a trend there??
16. I’d rather be on top of the mountain than under the board walk.
15. Bonfires in the snow are cooler than bonfires on the beach.
14. You can still hike a mountain in the summer. If you decide to jump in the ocean in the winter you will die.
13. Talking to girls on the mountain is way less creepy than trying to talk to girls on the beach.
12. Ferris wheels are gross. And sticky. Id rather have sex in a gondola.
11. Christmas in July is cool… Actual Christmas is cooler.
10. Tailgating on the mountain is 1,000 times more fun than sweating in the parking lot.
9. You are less likely to have someone blow a whistle at you for skiing out of bounds. And as a grown man, there is nothing I can think of that is more embarrassing than having a 16 year old tell you to get out of the water.
8. There is no Gaper day at the beach.
7. There is skiing and then there is spring skiing.
6. Have you ever ridden a snow mobile before??
5. You dont need an excuse for everyone to jump into the hot tub. Depending on how apres skiing went there is also a good chance that you can convince everyone topless is the way to go.
4. Nude beaches are full of disgusting people 9 out of 10 times.
3. You can’t catch crabs on the mountain. Plus, when you catch a wave you’ve usually been floating out in the middle of the ocean for :45 minutes and at that point most definitely lost your buzz.
2. Kids, fish, and whales pee in the ocean. We all learned early on to avoid yellow snow.
1. Without ski season you wouldn’t have anything to look forward to all summer.
Well… really we never left. Never stopped the party, never stopped ripping, and certainly never stopped living the dream that is Ski Till I Die.
Every time I’ve stepped onto the mountain this season I am not exaggerating when I tell you that at least half a dozen people would ask me about my gear, wondering where I got it and where they could get it. As flattering as it was; It got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Which in turn is why I am taking the brand out of strictly wholesaling and bringing it back to where it belongs. With you.
Right now I will be taking pre-orders for my gear… the tees are all vintage soft style and more comfortable than the D.A.R.E t-shirt you’ve had in your drawer for the last decade. Available colors are the following: neon yellow, neon green, turquoise, white, gray, black, purple, and red – on any design you want. The cost is going to be $30 per tee.
Copy and paste this link to check out the catalog: http://db.tt/1RPZ5dyI
And once you decide what you want, shoot me an email: email@example.com
Nothing besides actually skiing is easy in ski gear.
Walking sucks, not going downhill is exercise, and God help you if you have to go to the bathroom… Among other things.
I was taking some adult liberties last weekend on the mountain… In the beverage capacity that is… When utilizing the facilities became a necessity.
Thank Jesus my retro onesie has a double zipper… But I still had to dig through 37 layers just to find the hole! When I finally found Mr. Jones it was one of the most rewarding feelings in the world! A triumphant endeavor indeed… Which is what finding the hole really turns out to be no matter the circumstance.
It’s 3am, the front door is locked, you pull your keys out. Hole. Boom.
It’s 330, you’ve had a few too many, the lights are off… among other things. Hole. Boom.
It’s 845, foot of fresh pow, you’re in the trees. Shoot the hole. Boom.
It’s 1017, you’re on the 13th green, you’re sitting 8 hitting 9 (on a par 3). Hole. Boom.
Really… Doesn’t matter when, where, or how. When you find the hole you find yourself an accomplishment. Strapping in, carving up, shooting one down. The hole is the hole. Its never easy and finding it is half the battle otherwise we wouldn’t even suit up for the game.
Catch you out there champion of OH’s.
For those of you living under a rock or suffering from a clinical case of depression; yesterday was Valentines Day.
If you were like me you were inundated with pictures of flowers, food, hugs, kisses, and a plethora of other -you should keep it to yourself because no one cares metaphors- captioned with the ever constant, “I love you”.
I read an interesting article in the New York Times citing that this past year more people actually broke up on Facebook than ended up in relationships… Besides thinking that was hysterical it got me thinking.
What do I really love?? Or sans that, who do I really love that isn’t going to end up as a status update??
Well, my Mom was my valentine but that doesn’t count.
I also love wine, happy hour, cover bands, and Internet porn.
But you know what.. I’d have to say that my one true love… That, ill always be there, I can be your little spoon whenever you want, let’s run away together kind of love… Is the mountain.
The mountain isn’t going anywhere. Just when I think the relationship is over in comes a fresh 3 feet of that -I can’t sleep, let’s make breakfast in the lift line, bring out the fattys- kind of dump.
The honeymoon stage never ends with the mountain. It gives me that warm and fuzzy roller coaster feeling every time I put down my goggles. Every turn. Every time.
The mountain doesn’t have to call back. It updates it’s conditions every hour just to let me know it’s ok.
You can’t have sex with the mountain. But you can do it on the gondola with someone you’ve just met there!
The list goes on and on… And on some more.
I mean, I’m just saying… If Facebook is any indication; it’s time to embrace what will never disappoint you. And that one true love for me just happens to be skiing.