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Archive for January, 2015

The 7 Worst People To Find Yourself Skiing With

Skiing is supposed to be fun, right?? A lifestyle that makes sub-zero temperatures acceptable, encourages drinking unhealthy amounts of PBR, and fraternizing in hot tubs on a regular basis. But some people just don’t get it. Don’t let these 7 kinds of people ruin your weekend.



We all know this person. They have all the right gear, a brand new set of sticks, and the look that would make Dexter Rutecki come clean. On the ride up they cant stop talking about all the mountains they’ve skied, the sick lines they have supposedly shredded, and just how they dominate the sport in every possible way imaginable. Then you hit the access road and they start out with lines like, “hey, can we cruise some greens, I need to get my legs back under me” or “you know, I think I just want to stick to groomers today”. Finally you’re on the chairlift and they start FREAKING OUT… “OMG WE CANT SKI ANY BLACKS TODAY, AHHHH”. And they end up being the biggest Jerry you’ve ever met. Yea, those people suck. Suggestion: ask for video evidence of lines they’ve dropped or it never happened.

false advertising

You sir are NOT the best skier on the mountain.


6. The “I need a lift ticket, and poles, and boots, and skis, and a helmet, and a lesson, and a pony…” Guy

…and blah blah blah. These are the helpless people you want to avoid at all costs. They will suck 3 hours out of your day right off the bat. They’re needy, they are hopeless, and you should have left them at the house. At least they could have pretended to make themselves useful and kept the fire going all day.


5. The “I promised to give my girlfriend a lesson first” Guy

Holy Jesus. This is why every mountain on the planet has ski instructors that work there. You don’t need to give your girlfriend a lesson. Stop being a cheap bastard and pay the extra $50 to have a professional do it for you. Not only do you get 2 hours of freedom but you’ll also avoid having her break her arm on your watch and never living it down. Ill give it 2 to 3 odds that you break up over this.

Unless this is how your girlfriend plans to train

Unless this is how your girlfriend plans to train…


4. The “I think ski blades are cool” Guy

Nope. No they’re not. Can we light those on fire? Seriously though… why do you have a pair of ski blades??

The neon hurts my eyes

The neon hurts my eyes


3. The “I like to look like a complete @sshole on the mountain” Guy

These are can’t miss Jerrys. They all have the same profile: onsie from 1983, stupid looking ski sweater / tshirt / overalls, neon pink headband, zebra duck taped gloves, Jammy Pack (that is a fanny pack with speakers that will probably be blasting N*Snyc), flask filled with fireball, rental poles because they lost their other ones, and a shit eating grin on their face. Ok, who am I kidding… I just described myself. Sorry I’m not sorry.



2. The “I promise I can keep up with you on my snowboard” Guy

(sigh) I get it. You want to hang out with the cool kids. You want to ski the trees with us, rip a mogul run, and traverse to the other side to avoid the crowds. I get it. I want to swim in Sharknado infested waters but I know Ill probably effing die so I stay in the boat.


1. The “I drank too much the night before and now I’m going to ruin your powder day” Guy

I’m cringing as I’m writing this… you’ve got to be kidding me right?? I told you 10,000 FREAKING times last night. We’re leaving at 7AM. We’re not stopping for coffee, drink a Redbull. We’re not stopping so you can throw up, roll yourself out of the car. You don’t need hand warmers!!! No I don’t care about your need for a hospital because you’re having a panic attack. I REFUSE to wait for you and we’re going skiing. Stop crying. Big care not… NO FRIENDS ON POWDER DAYS! 


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